Get Over It Already

Let me first start by saying that this is a pretty hard post for me... and my husband is and has been amazing through everything. This post is not going to slam anyone or any organization or even shed light to anyone that doesn't already know about the circumstances. This is just me needing a place to verbalize and for me to feel like somebody else out there might feel the same way in my shoes.

Last summer, I went through one of the most painful experiences of my life. I was personally and professionally attacked by some that were my closest friends and others that were in places of leadership and should have protected me instead of harming me. The situation devastated my family. No details are necessary... it was ugly and extremely painful.

During the past 9 months, I have had to face the very ones that betrayed me weekly (sometimes several times a week). Throughout the process people constantly tell me that we're so brave and that it says so much about our character to stay around and how much staying and being gracious says about us and my innocence... While all of that is extremely flattering and uplifting, we didn't stay around and go through intense personal pain for those reasons. We did it because God told us to. I don't often Hate what he tells us to do.... not ever really. This I have HATED.

Since Christmas things have gotten easier. I truly thought that I was over it all and that closure would be achieved soon. Until this morning. I was chatting with a great friend that moved about 4 hours away a few months ago and I began sobbing. Not crying, but sobbing... like I'm doing now. We were just talking about a worship song that I wrote. Nothing serious, nothing too deep, but it hit me; I'm still not over all of the hurt. I've helped my husband to come closer to healing, told good friends not to hold it against those at fault, and made everything alright for my kids. Why am I not over it?!?!!?!?

Why not? I'm a strong woman, well educated and independent, but I can't get over the pain caused by people who don't really spend any time thinking about or dwelling on me.

I don't want to be brave or to teach them all a lesson... the Lord has shown me that he will fight the battle for me. I believe this in my head and my heart! I want people to know that I didn't do what I was accused of and I want to feel accepted again. I want the stares to stop and the whispers to be silent. I want to have friends again even if they're not my true friends... I just miss hangin' out with people other than my sis and husband. It's not my friends fault; I've been the one to seal myself off from the world trying to protect my heart, but it's not working anyway, so I guess it's time to be vulnerable again... Maybe.

My dear friend gave me advice that she'd heard me give to someone else not too long ago (don't you hate when your own advice is given back to you?). She said, " the kind of hurt that you've experienced is one of the worst. It's actually good for you to really feel the pain and to take plenty of time to heal." Ugh. She's right.

Sorry that this has been a depressing post... happier words to come soon.

drying my tears because I hate to cry :),

erica